“There are some words you can say part of the time. Most of the time ‘ass’ is all right on television. You can say, well, ‘You’ve made a perfect ass of yourself tonight.’ You can use ass in a religious sense, if you happen to be the redeemer riding into town on one -- perfectly all right.”
“I don’t have pet peeves. I have major, psychotic hatreds.”
"And now, in the interest of equal time, a message from the National Institute of Pancakes: It reads, and I quote, 'Fuck waffles.'"